The perilous art of crossing the road
(or how to stay un-squashed in Saigon)
I’m just back from a trip to Vietnam and having crossed the road and lived to tell the tale, I thought I’d pass on a few words of wisdom.
1. Pick your spot
Always use a marked crossing, if only for the sense of self-righteousness you’ll feel as you’re flattened by a bus/car/eighteen scooters.
Stopping at crossings is entirely optional for motorists and most are merely decorative.
In fact, the kerbs on either side are popular spots for tourists to gather and enjoy an uninterrupted view of the relentless traffic.
Join the crowd and settle in for the afternoon.
2. Test your reflexes
Don’t forget, the Vietnamese drive on the right. Mostly.
Before you cross, look left then right, left then right. Then realise it’s a one-way street and focus your attention to the left.
Then dive out the way as an errant scooter nearly clips you round the back of the head.
3. Choose your least favourite limb
To misquote a popular phrase, don’t put your best foot forward. At least not if you’re fond of it and want to keep it.
An experimental step into the road is a good way of warming up for the main event.
If it doesn’t instantly get squashed, you’re doing something right. Well done.
4. Slowly, slowly, crossy roady
Once you’ve chosen which foot you care least about (right, in my case), brace for impact and slowly step off the pavement.
Avoid eye contact at all costs. It shows weakness. And gives scooter riders something to aim for.
If you’re with a group, link arms and step out together. Just resist the urge to slip into the Monkees’ walk.
5. Not waving but crossing
If all else fails, step purposefully into the road, adopting a clear STOP hand signal.
Or else just flail wildly as you sprint across. Screams are optional.
At night, wave a mobile phone or torch to add to the eye-catching effect.
6. The warm-down
You’ve made it across, congratulations.
Your heart’s still pounding though, so walk it off, stretch and have a stiff drink to aid recovery.
Then realise you’ve got four more roads to cross and start to gently weep...
< Back
Always use a marked crossing, if only for the sense of self-righteousness you’ll feel as you’re flattened by a bus/car/eighteen scooters.
Stopping at crossings is entirely optional for motorists and most are merely decorative.
In fact, the kerbs on either side are popular spots for tourists to gather and enjoy an uninterrupted view of the relentless traffic.
Join the crowd and settle in for the afternoon.
2. Test your reflexes
Don’t forget, the Vietnamese drive on the right. Mostly.
Before you cross, look left then right, left then right. Then realise it’s a one-way street and focus your attention to the left.
Then dive out the way as an errant scooter nearly clips you round the back of the head.
3. Choose your least favourite limb
To misquote a popular phrase, don’t put your best foot forward. At least not if you’re fond of it and want to keep it.
An experimental step into the road is a good way of warming up for the main event.
If it doesn’t instantly get squashed, you’re doing something right. Well done.
4. Slowly, slowly, crossy roady
Once you’ve chosen which foot you care least about (right, in my case), brace for impact and slowly step off the pavement.
Avoid eye contact at all costs. It shows weakness. And gives scooter riders something to aim for.
If you’re with a group, link arms and step out together. Just resist the urge to slip into the Monkees’ walk.
5. Not waving but crossing
If all else fails, step purposefully into the road, adopting a clear STOP hand signal.
Or else just flail wildly as you sprint across. Screams are optional.
At night, wave a mobile phone or torch to add to the eye-catching effect.
6. The warm-down
You’ve made it across, congratulations.
Your heart’s still pounding though, so walk it off, stretch and have a stiff drink to aid recovery.
Then realise you’ve got four more roads to cross and start to gently weep...
< Back
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